Riding the Beast

Well, I have my third chemo treatment tomorrow. All of the awful side effects have finally hit me: the hair loss, the nausea and especially the fatigue. I realize it has been awhile since my last update, but I often just don't have the energy. And truthfully, it's just too hard to write down some of the things I've been going through. Putting it down on paper (figurativly) makes it all too real. This really is happening to me.

I've had good days and bad days. The smallest things can make me cry: a phone call from a friend, a smile from my son, the knowledge that a small country church has me on their prayer list. I'm so overwhelmed by the kindness of people. Those that love me and those who just know that I need good thoughts and strength to get through this.

I wanted so much to be able to work through this. Work gives a nomalacy to my life and I so want normal again. It gave me something else to think about. It felt good to have people around me and I miss them. I hear that it is really busy right now and wish that I could help contribute. But the effort is too much. Sometimes I'm lucky if I get out of bed. On days that I do feel good, a trip to the drugstore or even a shower will wipe me out. So most of my time is spent on the couch, watching daytime TV and playing around on my laptop. It leads to being very restless somedays and not able to do anything about it.

I've decided that cancer is like riding a roller coaster. That first big climb up the hill has the same anticipation and terror that waiting on those first test results have. And then when you first hear that c word, it's going over the plunge, straight down into the deepest despair. Then you're just along for the ride, with all the ups and downs, bumps and bruises. Sometimes you are a little airborne and it doesn't feel too bad, but then you hit another bump or go down another hill and you want to hold on for dear life. But the roller coaster ride eventually comes to an end and you have that adrenaline rush that makes it fun and exciting and wanting to do it again. The cancer ride has no end. It just keeps going and going. Always up and down. It doesn't seem like it will ever end. The station is nowhere in sight. I feel like I am going to beat this and be as good as new in a year. But I'll still be on the ride watching for it to come back. Once cancer has it's foot in the door, it's always looking to push it's way back in.

I didn't mean to end on such a negative note. I really do feel good about how things are going. It's just the getting there that is so hard sometimes.

Till next time,
Love,
Sherry